Loop

I have a tendency to second-guess myself.

I’m not sure when I learned this terribly, self-deprecating habit, but it has definitely caused some road bumps for me along the way.

Ask any of my friends who have been in a car with me and they will tell you, I rarely listen to directions on the map, and will often have to find a place to turn around.

My exit was right there, but it’s almost as if I missed it on purpose.

It makes no sense.

Perhaps, I have a fear of actually getting where I intend to go.

Maybe, it is some unconscious desire for the journey not to end. Who knows.

Either way, I’ve spent a lot of time having to make a loop.

In Tennessee, making a loop is often an annoying process, and depending on where I am, can actually take me miles out of my way to be able to do it.

Texas is different.

On almost any exit, on any highway, there is a loop – a way to correct my mistake instantly and hop right back onto the road.

I noticed this for the first time when I went to Lubbock to visit my dad right before he died. The city of Lubbock is situated on a giant loop.

At first, I found this confusing and wondered why on earth anyone would design the roads like this, but after making a couple wrong turns, I finally got it. Loops help us to correct mistakes. Loops help us to learn lessons. Loops create back-up plans for failure.

I’m thirty-five years old and I have been on a giant loop for most of my life.

At this point, I have moved forward, but only by returning to things I thought I had left behind.

Texas
Teaching
Myself

I hit a point before I left Colorado where I really didn’t believe I deserved more than the life I had fallen into.

One by one I had let all my dreams go and I figured that was it, but the catch, that I am just now understanding, is the loop.

Despite all my unconscious attempts to wreck my life, God was watching out all along and he found a way to interject detours, pitfalls, and hurdles, so that I would have to loop back around to the parts of life that I was never meant to let go of in the first place.

I have been in Texas for 7 days and I would be lying if I said I haven’t thought about looping my way right out of here and back to my house, mother, and dogs in Tennessee.

I love it here. I found my way back here despite all the odds, but that fear still exists. What I have found though, is that I am able to coexist with the fear, rather than let it take complete control.

I feel the emotions. I cry if needed, then I go find something that feeds my soul and tell the fear to politely be quiet and get back into its own lane.

As I sit here drinking boba and looking out the window at the Texas sun, I still have more questions than I do answers, but if I even got to this place, then I have to believe I will have answers when the time is right – and not a hot second sooner.

Some loops are safe havens. Some keep us trapped in endless cycles.

If you are in a loop though just know there is work to be done there and peace to be found.

The loop may be God’s, and your body’s, way of telling you that something is missing. Something may be buried or lost.

Pay attention to the loops you take in life. They might just be the path forward.

❤