The Yellow Door Life

Dating.

When you’re single, people assume you are dating – looking for the one – exploring your options – playing the field – (insert dating cliche here). 

When I think of the word dating, I think of something I have never spent much time or energy on. 

I didn’t date in high school.

I didn’t date for most of college, then I met my ex, senior year.

But we didn’t really “date” either.

I planned our first official date, because I had never been on one and he never took the initiative to do it. He just asked me to be his girlfriend and that was that. 

So honestly, dating is just not a word that has ever entered my vocabulary, until I got divorced.

Once you start dating again…

You will have so many options once you move into a new dating pool…

I know you hate technology, but try the dating apps…

Everyone has advice for you when you’re single, and even remotely, considering the possibility of dating.

But what actually is dating?

I see how most of the world does it. But I’m not exactly a fan of that business. 

But, when I moved to Tennessee, I decided I was going to give it a go – try this whole elusive dating thing. 

I started on Bumble. I paid for a subscription for 3 months and got really good at the art of swiping. How easy it was to look at tons of men. Some who were definitely not it, and many who sounded absolutely great, on paper that is. 

I had a few conversations, but for the most part, the dating apps led me absolutely nowhere, except to the conclusion that dating apps, as I had surmised, were trash.

I genuinely believed, and still do, that God was going to lead me to my person organically, so I told myself to be patient. 

Since then, I have spent time trying to connect with people in person. Whether it be out at community events, at school, at church, or through friends. I found myself interested in a variety of men, but as soon as I showed interest in them (and they often showed it back), they all seemed to have one thing in common:

They weren’t single. 

Now, I realize I had been out of the dating scene for many years, but that just ain’t right.

But it kept happening over and over again. I would find someone, we would start talking, flirting, etc. and then somehow it would come up, “Oh by the way I have a girlfriend, fiancee, mail-order bride on the way…” I mean Chipotle Church Guy taught me that it doesn’t matter who you are, if your mind and heart ain’t right, then you are capable of leading someone on just as much as the next schmuck. 

I know a lot of single women out there have experienced this same issue and it has made them bitter, cynical, and even less trusting than they were before, and justifiably so.  

Trying to find the person you are meant to spend your life with is a tall order, and for me, I believe it is a vocation, so to encounter people who can treat that process so disrespectfully is just mind blowing. 

This has made me realize that the focus should not be on dating and meeting a lot of people to figure out what you want, instead, singleness should be a time for aligning yourself with what God wants, and you want, and then letting your path naturally find its way to someone who wants the same things. 

Instead, we have a lot of hurt, confused, and in some cases, jerky people running around making more of a mess than already existed. 

I don’t know at what point our society decided that integrity no longer mattered, or loyalty, but something has to give. 

It breaks my heart even more when I look at the way middle schoolers approach relationships. 

Granted, I by no means endorse kids this age dating, but I understand it. 

We are all seeking love and validation, and for kids from broken homes (just like I was), we will do anything to find those things. 

The problem with this cycle though is a middle school relationship isn’t meant to last, simply because it is not rooted in the things that matter. I’m finding after observing how people are treating each other out there in the dating world, that this concept isn’t just impacting the kids, it is transcending all of society.

People have become expendable. 

The term ghosting entered our vocabulary. 

Morals are out the window. 

Trust only seems relevant every other Tuesday (if that). 

We have generations of people who feel like they will never be enough.

Dating has become an actual, emotional battlefield, rather than being a way to just meet your person. Instead of people finding like-minded people, they are adding new types of trauma to their existing baggage, and left even more romantically depleted. And all for what? Nearly half of all first marriages still end in divorce, and I would know, I’m part of that statistic. 

I have struggled with the bitterness and cynicism myself, but honestly, I just keep circling back to the realization that if God wants me to serve him in the vocation of marriage, he will lead me to that person.

No dating apps.

No kind-of-engaged dudes.

No questions. 

The right person is already out there. I don’t have to date dozens of men to find him. In fact, that may actually steer me further away from him. 

Most people think that dating is a must in the equation for finding true love, but is it? 

I believe if you have this equation:

Healing + Prayer + Trust = The Me That’s Actually Ready

So instead of sitting on Bumble and swiping through profiles, I:

• Pray
• Meal Prep
• Eat that Protein 
• Hike
• Kayak
• Clean
• Read
• Create
• Write
• Breathe

I don’t need to date. I need to prepare. 

God’s got my person out there, now I just need to be ready. 

And for all of you out there who are dating, do what you think is best, but be careful with who you give your time and energy to. The last thing anyone needs is to come out of a bad relationship just to jump straight back into one with a different version of the same chaos. 

Respect how far you have come and do not settle for what broke you in the first place.

And to all the men and women out there flirting with people when you aren’t single, seriously, stay the heck away from the rest of us out here trying to heal and operate at a higher vibration. 

We do not need your nonsense anywhere near us. 

Thank you for attending my TED Talk.

❤