The Yellow Door Life

“What are those red marks on your face?”

“Why do you have red spots on your hands?”

I never bothered trying to count how many times I’ve heard these questions throughout my life. Keeping track of that number wouldn’t do me any good.

I believe the red marks first surfaced around senior year of high school; around the time I started smoking. 

There was only one here and there, so I didn’t think much of it. 

By the time I got to college, they were more widespread and pronounced.

I figured it was from smoking and drinking and poor diet. 

But I didn’t change anything. 

More than a decade later, I sat in a pulmonary patient room at the UC Health Hospital in Aurora, CO, and had a very old (and rather disagreeable) pulmonary hypertension specialist finally give a name to these red marks: telangiectasias.

What a word right? Telangiectasias.

No matter how many times they said it, I couldn’t remember it or pronounce it. 

These red marks all over my face and hands were an indicator of scleroderma (part of how they arrived at that diagnosis). 

Telangiectasias are little blood vessels that are dilated or broken under the skin. They are generally harmless, but are often a sign of another health issue. Turns out, one of the causes of telangiectasias is a lack of oxygen in the blood. 

For years, I have covered up the red marks because I hate them. If I had to pick the one thing I am most self-conscious about it is those – not my weight – but those tiny, red marks. 

…

In November, I held my last club meeting before Thanksgiving break. We were having a mini-Thanksgiving celebration with food and just hanging out all together. In the midst of all that, one of the girls randomly looked up and asked me, “Ms. Bihm, what are the red marks on your face?”

While not unfamiliar, I felt blindsided at that moment. 

I’ve had numerous students ask me about them, so I really was used to it, but on that day, it broke me all over again.

I told her we could talk about it at another time.

At that moment, I shut down and just started crying quietly to myself. I counted down the minutes until it was time for the girls to go home.  

Over that break, I thought about how I should use her question as a teaching opportunity, even though I knew it was going to make me uncomfortable.

I created this slideshow and used it at the next meeting I had with them. 

We talked about how we look. Is it important? Should it matter when making choices about who to be friends with? 

I showed them a side-by-side comparison of two versions of myself. 

I explained what telangiectasias are and answered my student’s question. I told them how they are the one thing I am self-conscious about. 

I discussed how I have had to overcome fear of judgement about the way I look in order to show up in spaces I have avoided for years, such as the gym. 

I also introduced the book study we were about to start on Wonder. Even though Auggie and I have very different stories, we still share many things in common, so I felt like it was the best direction for us to go in the club next. 

Finally, we discussed the word endurance. 

Endurance is an ability which transcends all facets of the human experience. 

I pray to increase spiritual endurance.

I lift and eat clean to increase physical endurance.

I journal and reflect to increase emotional endurance.  

I explained to the girls that we are always going to be faced with issues throughout our lives, whether it be something that we are self-conscious about or people that we don’t get along with at work or school. The key to living a purposeful life and making the most of it all is endurance. 

I could have a laser procedure to remove the red marks, but there is always the possibility that new ones could develop. I told the girls that I wouldn’t even bother. 

I had the thought while having this conversation with them that the red marks may seem like a sign of weakness, of disease – something that needs to be covered up. In reality though, they show that even after years of poor health, being hypoxic at night and during exercise, and having a life-threatening condition and not even knowing – I made it. 

I survived. 

And now I’m thriving. 

God didn’t let any of that stop me, so there is no point in letting these silly, little red marks stop me now. 

❤