The Yellow Door Life

Dear Santa,

Well, St. Nicholas really. 

Do you remember all those years at Pauline Memorial when we got to celebrate your feast day? December 6th was always one of my favorite days at school because we got to have shorter classes in favor of an assembly in your honor. We would take our shoes off, leave one in the hallway, and one in the classroom.

While we were gone for the assembly, a teacher would come around and fill our shoes with a bag of candy and toys – just like you used to do for the children in your community. 

I miss those days.

If I ever have kids of my own, I will definitely revive that tradition in my household. 

I guess that kind of brings me to why I’m writing this letter to you. 

I don’t really need or want any material things, except for a Kitchen-Aid stand mixer. That bad boy would be so helpful with meal prep, but I digress.

This year there’s only one thing I want. It’s the same thing I’ve wanted my whole life.

It’s what I wished for sitting in that giant window of my childhood home in Walsenburg, imagining your sleigh flying through the night sky. 

It’s what I work for every day, even though there is no evidence whatsoever that it is any closer. 

It’s the one thing I hope for, even as I sit here crying quietly, so my mom can’t hear me in the next room. 

It’s what I’ll be praying for when I go sit by the tree in the downtown square tomorrow evening. 

A family of my own. 

I just watched A Christmas Story and I couldn’t help but think about how much I want to stuff stockings and wrap presents, cook a big meal, and sit with my husband as we watch kids excited to run down the stairs first thing in the morning. I would love for us to take them to church and sing Christmas songs and see baby Jesus in the manger of the nativity scene. 

Christmas hasn’t felt like Christmas for me in a long time. 

I still love it, I always will, but it hurts. 

I spent too many years celebrating Christmas with the wrong people and the wrong focus. 

Then, and largely too late, my family members started to pass away and Christmas hasn’t been the same since. 

I feel like I missed it. 

I was so distracted all those years. 

Now, I feel like I finally found the true meaning of Christmas, and there are so few people left to spend it with, nor able to spend it with, since we are all so spread out. 

There has to be some Christmas magic left for me though right?

This year, will you just pray for me? Will you please pray that I stay focused and faithful? 

I know if I can do that then maybe my miracle will be on the other side. 

Even if it isn’t on Christmas. 

I mean, a miracle in January would be pretty cool. 

Anyways, thank you for always listening. 

Merry Christmas Santa.

Love,

Em ❤