My Person

Hi,

I don’t even know why I’m writing this.

It seems so silly.

I was in my kitchen this morning making breakfast and suddenly the words “send it” popped into my head. There’s a store on my morning commute that has the words “send it” on their outdoor sign.

No context, just words.

Every time I drive by the sign I keep thinking, send what? If this sign is one of my signs, what am I supposed to send?

Then, I thought of the blog. I hadn’t been sure what to write next. What was going to have meaning for me right now in the midst of all this? A letter to a stranger. That’s it. I haven’t written one of those in a while.

I don’t actually know who you are, or rather, if it’s you. I can’t send you an actual letter right now, or won’t, but I can send this out into the universe, hoping it will find its way to you one way or another.

Perhaps, you are someone from my past. Someone I should have come back to. Someone who couldn’t keep up at the time. Someone who was right there all along.

Maybe, you are someone I haven’t met yet. A handsome man about to turn his cart into my aisle at Kroger. Someone who sits down near me in church and is actually single.

Who knows.

I have tried to put a name and face on you my whole life, but those men with those names and those faces could never live up to the reality that will be you.

Even if you are someone from my past, or I’m someone from yours, the timing hasn’t worked out for a reason.

I know that with certainty.

Lord knows I’m far from perfect, but even in these last few years, I’ve had to do a lot of unlearning, and I’m still in that process.

I spent most of my life comparing myself to other people, worried what others think, and feeling like I was truly unworthy of love.

But really, all this love business isn’t about you, and it isn’t about me, it’s about what we are going to do together that is going to serve this world and make it a better place.

That’s the part I missed the first time around.

Marriage is a vocation.

It’s taken me a long time to understand what that actually means.

I wanted someone to validate me and my existence, but only God can do that. Good thing I found that out while I’m alone, or I don’t think I would ever get it.

What we are meant to hold as a couple is big and important. I can tell.

And I wouldn’t be able to hold up my end of it with these literally, and metaphorically, weak arms.

So I’m increasing the resistance and getting conditioned for what comes next.

I’m trying not to think about it or imagine how it all works out, I’d rather be surprised anyways. So instead, I’m focused on what is going to help me be the person that you need.

I’m focused on someday.

Now, you may mercilessly tease me for this at some point and that’s totally fine. I’m big with the cheese right now.

Mom has been watching so many of those off-brand Hallmark Christmas movies and every time I roll my eyes as the inevitable conflict surfaces at exactly 80 minutes in. I remind her of that. (She is getting pretty irritated with me at this point).

I’ve never liked cheesy romantic stuff, but for you, I could be different.

I could see myself being a bit cheesy and believing in an impossible, came out of nowhere, surprise ending with you. That’s everything.

Honestly, Hallmark would make a lot more money if they would write a script for the person in the last few months before the miraculous reunion with their long lost childhood best friend/ high school sweetheart or chance meeting with the newly widowed stranger that owns a vineyard.

The gritty part of the story where they either push through or give up.

That script would make the cheesy ending so much more plausible and vindicated.

I ramble.

I’d say sorry now, but it’s part of who I am. I promise I’ll try to only ramble about really important things like the entire romantic comedy movie industry.

I just needed to say all of this to you, even if I’m not, because it’s in my heart and there is no reason for me to worry anymore.

There have been moments since I got divorced that I figured it was over for me. I chose badly. Why should I get a second chance?

But God doesn’t work like that, and unlike the Holy Grail, choosing poorly the first time around didn’t kill me, it made me stronger.

I know there will be a time where I can make all my random pop culture references with you, and start singing random songs that align with the words I’m reading, writing, or saying. I hope you’ll appreciate how quirky I am and be understanding when I come home using middle school slang. I also have like 5 nicknames for each of my dogs and I make really weird noises at them to get their attention.

I hope you will understand that I have and will continue to pray for you even before you ever become my person, because you actually already are, and you deserve nothing but goodness and light in your life (had to insert some cheese here, but also truth).

Well, the list could go on, but I just want you to know I’m right here.

I show up for God.

I show up for myself.

I show up for you.

It’s all the same equation, whether I know who you are or not.

Anyways, thank you for attending my post-Thanksgiving, pre-Christmas TED talk.

Please take care and have some grace for yourself on the days that feel like crap. You are doing your best and you are changing the world whether you feel like it or not. I have a feeling we have that in common.

I believe in you ❤

-Em