I’ll Never

Never is a strong word.

It implies permanence. It is absolute. It does not leave room for negotiation.

The funny thing is, every time I have ever said “I’ll never…” that exact thing always happens.

There have been a lot of instances in my life where I have been convinced that I’ll never do this or never do that. I’ve said it out loud, and with conviction, “I’ll never do that ever again!”

For most of them, I can remember where I was, who I was talking to, and when it happened.

Some immediate examples that come to mind include:

“I’ll never go back to the Catholic Church.”
“I’ll never move out of Colorado.”
“I’ll never go back to Colorado.”
“I’ll never get divorced.”
“I’ll never teach in a public school.”
“I’ll never feel better.”
“I’ll never quit smoking.”
“I’ll never stop thinking about cigarettes.”
“I’ll never lose weight.”
“I’ll never be able to stop eating sugar.”
“I’ll never go kayaking or do anything on the water.”
“I’ll never make it up that hill.”
“I’ll never go hiking willingly.”
“I’ll never set foot in a gym again.”
“I’ll never get through this.”

That last one has been said more times than I can count, throughout my life.

The saying, “never say never,” didn’t make sense until I started examining all this stuff I have spouted over the last decade.

Every time I’ve said, “I’ll never,” it actually seemed to turn into a challenge, an invitation, a doorway to something that I was always meant to stumble into and through.

Perhaps, “I’ll never” is actually my sub-conscious speaking the words into existence in some form, so that when I do that EXACT thing, I can reflect on the fact that at one point it seemed impossible.

Today, and every day, I’m living out things I said with sincere belief, that I would never do. Yet, here I am, doing them.

“I’ll never” is nothing more than an expression of fear.

There are still “I’ll nevers” floating around my brain, like “I’ll never fall in love again” or “I’ll never be a mom,” but again, that’s just fear talking.

Instead, I’m trying to think of my “I’ll nevers” as bridges to dreams I never thought I’d dream, goals I never thought I’d make, and possibilities I’ll never be able to take credit for.

❤