Until Next Year

I can hear the theme to “The Mary Tyler Moore Show” playing in the background. It has filled the house the last few weeks as my mom watches season after season on Hulu.

September is almost over. Just one day left.

I’m usually so sad when my birthday month comes to an end, but as I reflect on September I can’t put into words how I am feeling. Or rather, there are too many words to describe it.

Overwhelmed. Overstimulated. Devastated. Defeated. Exhausted. Regretful. Lonely. Gaslit. Goofy. Creative. Hopeful.

Whichever adjective I pick, all I know is I want September to be over, because the bad outweighed the good.

With that list, it would seem like I should just give up. Resign myself to the belief that it will never, in fact, get better and this is just life now. But that last word; that last stinking word is why I’m here writing about this, rather than crying in the corner of my bedroom (anymore at least).

Hopeful. It’s a weird dynamic to suffer greatly, but have faith. It’s the job we are tasked with as Christians. Accept the crosses, and make the most of them, for our good, and for the good of others.

Instead of using my crosses for good, however, I allowed the burdens I carried in September to become my gods. To make me feel less than. To have me doubting every scrap of what I have worked so hard for over the last few years.

It’s that easy to slip.

The difference is, I recognize the slip quicker these days, before it can become a landslide.

But I didn’t do it alone.

A student gave me some sage advice that I will take with me forever.

That advice woke me up from the nightmare I had claimed as my new reality and helped me see the light again.

I still don’t feel great.

I have dug the hole a bit deeper.

But I didn’t give up.

And that’s kind of the whole point right?

Get back up more times than you fall down.

Climbing out of our self-created holes is great conditioning though. And the view? Even better. All you can do is look up.

Look up at God. A beautiful, blue sky. A balloon floating through the air.

Either way, my climb has begun again. September didn’t go as planned, but I can set my sights on doing the work and preparing for a September I can’t even begin to imagine, for next year.

❤