The Yellow Door Life

It took me several years after my dad’s passing to start sorting through his stuff. 

It seemed weird to go through his mail or give away his clothes. He didn’t have much left at that point anyways, so I left it largely sitting in bags and boxes in my spare bedroom. 

In 2022, I was preparing to move across the country and I figured it was time to start finding new homes for any of his belongings that I didn’t intend to keep. One of which was his laptop. 

I already had a laptop of my own, so I considered selling it, until a friend told me she needed a new one. I wanted it to find a good home, so I decided to clear the memory and give it to her. 

As much as I hoped I would find some last attempt at communication from my dad, I never did, but I hadn’t gone through the laptop yet, so I thought, perhaps, there’s hope. 

Dad didn’t have any pictures on his laptop. Nothing that made it inherently his, aside from some work documents and documents related to the theft at his storage unit. I kept hoping I’d find a letter from him or something that could make me feel more connected to him, but there wasn’t anything like that. 

I moved everything into my Google drive that was there and moved onto his bookmarks. Perhaps, he saved something that would help. 

He hardly even had anything bookmarked, but one thing that he did stood out to me, and confused the heck out of me. 

It was a video on YouTube titled, Steve Lawrence “I’ve Gotta Be Me” on The Ed Sullivan Show.

I had never heard this song before and couldn’t figure out why my dad would have it. He largely stuck to classical music, so anything outside of that genre seemed out of place. 

I clicked on the bookmark and watched. 

I sat still for those few minutes and cried. 

Unintentionally, my dad had left a final message for me. 

The main message of the song is that you can’t do much of anything, until you are you first. 

I had just filed for divorce. I was getting ready to move to a new state. I was still coping with my diagnosis from the summer before. 

I was trying to figure out who I was and here was this song, telling me, I’ve got to be me. 

I had to remember who Emily was and what mattered to her. It laid the foundation for the journey I was about to take. 

…

That song came on tonight on shuffle while I was cooking dinner. I had been upset this afternoon, feeling isolated. This season of my life has been so much longer than I thought it would. I’ve come in and out of even more relationships and situations since moving to Tennessee, but the ones that have left me, have left me for the better. I know that for certainty, because for the first time in a very long time, I’m being me. 

And me? 

Well she isn’t for everyone. 

And that is perfectly fine. 

I want to grow and learn and praise and feel. Not everyone likes to do those things.

Being alone sucks. It does. But not being me, sucks more.  

Thanks for the advice Dad. 

❤