Love vs. in Love

Ever since my divorce, I have had regular dreams where my ex-husband tries to get back together with me. They are completely unfounded as we haven’t spoken since the final papers were signed, but they are recurrent nonetheless.

I wish no ill on my ex. In fact, I pray for him regularly and hope that he finds his path.

The dreams are not really about him. I believe they are my subconscious desperately trying to remind me not to fall into old patterns.

The issue with my last relationship wasn’t just about what he did or how he treated me, it was about how I reacted and what I allowed to be part of my life.

I believe the dreams are warnings to not settle for relationships like this again, lest I meet the same fate.

Interestingly enough, in every dream, EVERY SINGLE ONE, he attempts to get back together with me and I actually do say no. I remember how miserable I was, and I say no.

…

I bring up the dreams because I had other dreams leading up to my wedding. Dreams about an unknown man. His face was never clear. I didn’t know his name, but he felt like home.

At the time, I was very confused, because the dreams were not about my then fiance.

I spent many months questioning why I was having these dreams.

I asked my mom and others around me frequently, what does it feel like if someone is your soulmate?

I asked several people, how do you actually know if you are in love?

I knew that I loved and cared about my fiance, but was I in love with him? Did I really believe he was my soulmate?

The answer to that question didn’t come till more recently.

I’ve spent a lot of time alone and this time has allowed me to discover a few things about this whole business of love and people.

I have loved exactly two men in my life. Like genuinely had deep feelings for them and thought they could be the elusive “one.” Neither of these men were my soulmate and I was not, in fact, IN love with either of them.

That’s the difference there.

Loving someone versus being in love with them.

I thought they were the same, but they truly are different concepts/states of being entirely.

To me loving someone looks like:

Caring about them
Enjoying their company
Having some mutual interests
Wanting the best for their life
Tending to his/her basic needs

Whereas being in love with someone looks like:

Praying together and sharing the same beliefs about God
Sacrificing mutually for each other
Taking equal responsibility in all aspects of the household and relationship – keyword ALL
Holding and caring for the other person when they are sick or having a terrible day
Saying I love you, even when you are upset
Making compromises
Being with him/her makes your whole life make sense
Knowing life is always going to be difficult, but his/her presence makes it possible to endure the hard times

Being in love is mutual. It is never one-sided. The relationships I have been in have never been give and take. I become the giver, until I have nothing left to give, then I somehow think I’m not enough. As my math teacher friends would say, “that math ain’t mathin.”

I have loved exactly two men in my life. I have never been in love.

And at 34, almost halfway to 35, I’m ok with that.

I could have stayed with my ex-husband. It would have been easy. But the right thing in life is never easy. And waiting to be in love? Well that seems worth the wait.