The Yellow Door Life

By sophomore year of high school, I had it all figured out.

I knew I was going to go to the University of North Carolina and study Literature.
I knew I wanted to be a teacher.
I knew I wasn’t going to stay in Colorado.
I knew I would drive a Honda for the rest of my life.
I knew I was going to graduate college, get married, and start having kids.
By the time I was in my mid-30s, I was going to have my life together.

I laugh at this now, because I teach sixth graders who think they have it all figured out. At twelve? Please. Y’all complain about handwriting a paragraph, but somehow you grown?

I know it’s largely a sign of the times. Every generation is “growing up” earlier. With access to the wonderful, world wide web 24/7, the kids today figure they do in fact, know it all.

And why shouldn’t they think this way? They have been latched to a smartphone since infancy.

But even at the ripe old age of fourteen, I had this same mindset.

I knew what direction my life was headed. I low key may be right about the Honda thing, but other than that, I had no idea what I was actually talking about.

Somewhere between those plans and reality, a billion tiny choices were made by myself and every single person I ever interacted with, and most of those things did not happen, or they did not happen the way that I thought they would.

I knew I was going to go to the University of North Carolina and study Literature.

One of my heroes growing up (and always will be) is Michael Jordan. I never planned on going to any other school. I was going to be a Tar Heel and spend 4 amazing years in Carolina blue watching as much basketball as possible. I even figured my husband would probably come from that team. 

One of my biggest regrets is I didn’t even apply. My Dad told me he couldn’t afford to pay out-of-state tuition, so I would have to pick somewhere in Colorado to attend. I was 17 and definitely not in a place to argue with the man about finances. So I said ok. And I didn’t even bother to apply. 

I still occasionally wonder about that alternate reality where Emily chose to apply anyway. What would be different now? What if I had actually gone? The thing about “what ifs” is they don’t exist, kind of like my degree from the University of North Carolina.

I knew I wanted to be a teacher.

I was right about this, but it did not happen linearly. By the grace of God, I still found my way back to my career and purpose, but it was AFTER going in a completely different direction first. When I sat down at freshman orientation at CSU to register for my classes (and after having continuous arguments with my father about my chosen career path). I looked at the Education courses and said to myself, “Fine, I won’t be a teacher. I’ll do something else.” So I picked English-Creative Writing as my major, no minor, and started down a whole new road. 

By taking this route, I had some professors and experiences that changed my life; ones who inspired me to be the writer I am today. I got my English degree and I used that to eventually begin a career in digital marketing as a content writer. I wouldn’t trade the experiences that followed for anything, because I learned vital skills and can now help businesses succeed online. 

God knew when it would be the right time for me to return to teaching and that call came in May of 2023 after 6 months of unemployment. It was a surprising answer to the career prayers I had been praying, but not at all unfamiliar.

I knew I wasn’t going to stay in Colorado.

None of my family is from Colorado originally. Both my Mom and Dad grew up in the South. I knew that’s where I wanted to be someday, because Colorado never felt truly like home. Plus, there was the whole never being able to breathe well thing. 

I was disappointed about not going to school in North Carolina, but I figured I would at least get out after college. I spent my 4 years at CSU wondering what state would be best for me. I knew I wanted to head south and I had spent the most time in Texas and Louisiana. I figured I could never take the extreme shift to the bayou though, so Texas became the dream.

My plan when I graduated college was to move to Austin. My Dad was working in Texas at that point and it seemed like he would stay there for a while (this was before he purchased his land in Tennessee). Toward the end of college, I had my heart set on becoming an editor at a big publishing company and I knew I wouldn’t make it on either coast (financially or otherwise), so I picked a big city that had what I wanted, somewhere in between. 

When I met my ex, I told him I planned to move to Austin after graduation. 

I never moved to Austin.

I knew I would drive a Honda for the rest of my life.  

Like I said, facts. Optimus Prime blog coming soon.

I knew I was going to graduate college, get married, and start having kids.

Part 1: Graduate College 

Well I did graduate college. Just not the college I planned to attend. And barely, at that. I’ll never forget the day I graduated from CSU. I had a whole cheering section there waiting to see me walk across that stage. Little did most of them know that I didn’t even know if I was actually graduating that day. 

All English majors had to take a capstone course their senior year. As the seasoned procrastinator I am, I waited until my last semester to take this course, and registered late, so I ended up with a class that I loathed: Literary Walking. 

If I had taken this class today, I would have loved it and appreciated it, but back then I found the texts dry and the teacher even drier, and meaner, and all sorts of other things. She was the toughest grader I have ever known in my academic career and by the time May rolled around I was still failing. I explained to her that I HAD to graduate that semester. She gave me an extra credit assignment which I completed to the best of my ability and turned in a week before graduation. 

As of May 12th, 2012, (the day of my graduation),  she still hadn’t graded the assignment or posted final grades. I lined up near the stage and waited as my name was called. I knew how incredibly disappointed I would be to walk across and receive my degree holder, only to find out I had to take summer school. The Dean of the College of Liberal Arts called my name and I walked, and as I ascended the stairs to the stage, who should greet me there but THAT professor. She smiled at me, nodded, and said congratulations. At that moment, I knew exactly what she meant. 

A few days later when grades got posted I looked at the “D” next to Literary Walking and said “Hey, it may only be a D, but it’s the D that let me graduate college.” 

Part 2: Get Married 

We had only been dating for a few months by the time my college graduation rolled around. My parents were not sure about him. I wasn’t sure about him either, but we stayed together. When I had first met my ex-husband I had told him there was no point in us dating because I was planning to leave Colorado after graduation. He agreed that a relationship didn’t really make sense then because he would never leave. {Insert red flag here} But for whatever reason, I stayed. I got complacent and I let that dream to explore and live other places lie dormant for over a decade. I married him 9 years later and got divorced after only 16 months. 

Part 3: Start Having Kids

My conditions were not diagnosed until I was in my thirties, so I’m not sure what would have actually happened if I had gotten pregnant in my twenties. Maybe, my condition would have surfaced sooner. PAH is often diagnosed in pregnant women whose symptoms are exacerbated by the demands of pregnancy. I’ll never know though. Either way, my continuous prayers to have children at that time in my life were thankfully not answered.

By the time I was in my mid-30s, I was going to have my life together. 

I love that this didn’t happen. I love that I am currently sitting in a house that I never dreamed I would own, in a town that I didn’t even know existed when I was fourteen. I love that at any moment, my life could change in the best way possible. 

In the last two decades, I have learned that having your life together is an illusion. I don’t want to have every detail always figured out. What fun is that? I want God to surprise me and continue to work his will in new ways in my life. 

The best way I can explain my approach to life at this point is this:

Imagine an artist you love puts out a new song. You knew this artist would make new music at some point, but you didn’t know you would find it on a day you needed it most. You add the song to your playlist and turn it on when you get in your car to drive to the park for a walk. You’ve never heard this melody before. The words of the song are familiar, but strung together in a new way. For 3 minutes and 3 seconds, there are no to-do lists, no worries, no pain. Just a beautiful man singing a beautiful song. I cried. I let the new music fill my heart and remind me that I have a million more moments like this to look forward to in my life.

I’m sitting here listening to it again and I’m just reminded more than ever that THIS is what I want my life to be. A series of miraculous surprises that eventually just become the story of my life. 

If I had it my way, my story would not be unfolding as it is now and that would have been a shame, because THIS, this story is more than I ever dreamt it would be. And funny enough, the story isn’t always linear, it’s often a circle that brings me back to things I abandoned or thought were impossible. 

If I had it my way, I would have been wrong. 

❤