Everything

I’m one of those people that makes a soundtrack to my daily life.

I love to pick songs for my social media posts.

The first song that comes on the radio when I get in my car to leave for school sets the tone for the day.

I find it hilarious which songs my kids enjoy dancing to for their 5 minute dance parties.

I guess it’s part of being a writer. I want to set the full scene.

What’s happening? Where are we? What music is playing in the background?

Sometimes I live my life like it’s a WB show. I make a choice and wait for the background music to kick in to let me know if something great is about to happen, or if I’ll be left standing in an empty doorway alone, contemplating the meaning of my life. Kind of like this scene from Smallville for example.

I grew up watching Clark chase after Lana.

I listened to this song on repeat and imagined having my own moment in time, where I finally get what I want and “Everything” by Lifehouse is playing in the background.

When I sat down to make my playlist for the wedding, this song was at the top of the list. I pictured some beautiful moment where he and I would catch each other’s attention and sneak off to dance to this song, removed from our friends and family in some blissful moment.

When the song came on at the wedding, I was standing by the edge of the island staring out over the water. We had just taken some pictures along the shoreline and he had headed back to the tent for another drink.

I stayed by the water and waited for the bliss to come. The song was on. It was my wedding day. He walked back up, beer in hand, and I felt nothing.

I waited my whole life to dance with my person to this song and as I looked at what was happening around me, I felt empty. Even then, having just said I do, I knew. I was standing next to my husband at our wedding reception and I wanted nothing more than to be alone.

After we separated, I spent a lot of time listening to this song, trying to figure out what it really meant to me.

For many months, I realized the song was about God and me getting my relationship with him back on track.

Then, I moved into the reality that the song was about me. I am everything. I am complete and fulfilled and my worth is not dependent on another human being. I am awesome and I can dance to any song I want, at any time, with or without a person next to me.

I also came to the realization that you cannot manufacture the perfect moment. Those only come from God.

That scene from my wedding was not what I hoped it would be. And that’s ok. It wasn’t supposed to be a perfect moment, because it wasn’t even the right person standing next to me.

All of the perfect moments I have experienced in my life have literally come out of nowhere, with people I never expected them to happen with, or in moments where I never expected to feel anything at all, let alone perfection.

They have come at the end of road trips to other states. They have come on my sunset drives on backroads. They have come when I look at the faces of my 6th graders. I have had them while smiling at someone who makes my heart race. I have had them while walking across fields, hiking up mountains, and standing perfectly still near a creek. I feel perfection in cool, autumn mornings where the air smells like a memory and leaves fall playfully at my feet. These moments are everything. And every single one of them deserves a perfectly picked song and dramatic WB-like scene.

We are going to have a million scenes in our lifetime and the songs that fit with them can be used more than once. Was hearing “Everything” at my wedding the experience I hoped for? Nope. But it doesn’t mean I won’t have a moment like that again.

We get so caught up in the belief that we only get one chance to do everything in life, and if we fail the first time, it’s over.

That folks, is crap.

As long as you’re alive, beautiful, wonderful possibilities exist. If at first you don’t succeed, make the damn thing happen on try 2 or try 35.

Every moment you get to keep trying is, in and of itself, a miracle. So embrace the failures, and successes, and use the same song as many times as you need to until it feels like the perfect moment, because whether it is actually perfect or not, to you, it will be.