The Yellow Door Life

If you have ever had an addiction, you are familiar with the symptoms of withdrawal. 

• Anxiety
• Panic
• Shaking
• Nausea 
• Depression 
• Weakness 
• Sweating
• Fatigue

Letting go of any kind of substance, thought, or behavior your body and soul is accustomed to is a painful process. For those addicted to opiates or alcohol, the process of withdrawal is more severe, and sometimes, even deadly. I could say it’s easier to never get addicted in the first place, the fact is, most people are all addicted to something or someone, at some point in their life. The degree to which that addiction takes hold of us is another thing. 

I speak from experience as an addict and as a codependent. 

I acted as a codependent in several toxic relationships with addicts throughout my life and I have been addicted to:

• Nicotine 
• Binge Drinking
• Sugar & Fast Food
• Shopping
• Doubt

Now one of these is not like the others. 

That last one is a real jerk. 

I was not aware it was one of my addictions until recently.  

This year has challenged my faith in myself. It has forced me to re-examine all my choices and figure out what the heck I’m doing. 

It has brought me to people, places, and events that I didn’t even think were possible. 

It has been amazing. 

It has been downright terrifying. 

It has filled me with doubt. 

As someone who has already been down a very destructive path for most of her adult life, doubt is an old friend. I’m pretty sure we became besties right around the first time someone called me fat in elementary school. 

I have spent decades moving through equal parts hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. 

Confidence is unfortunately not a genetic trait we are born with and lots of trauma early on robbed me of my ability to develop it well. 

But then I hit a stride in high school and really came into myself. 

Until I got hurt. Really hurt. And that’s when doubt reared its ugly head again. I started smoking cigarettes. I started drinking. I ate whatever. I partied. I got drunk and hoped boys would notice me. I spent money on boys who didn’t care about me. I let myself fall apart over boys who only told me they loved me when they were drunk. I started to shrink and doubt happily took the wheel. 

How I ever figured I would end up with a happy ending out of all that crap is beyond me, but then again I was 17 and my brain wasn’t even fully developed yet. 

Even my ex-husband could see the doubt; it was that much a dark cloud surrounding me. He would always ask me why I doubted everything I did. 

I would get excited about something, then completely doubt it was possible, then pray about it. 

That order is wrong folks. 

Prayer comes first. Ask God what he wants for you, and if you listen, doubt never makes it into the equation. 

After more than ten years of living an uncomfortable life full of doubt, I removed myself from the situation and literally plopped myself on the other side of the country. 

Not to start over though. I’m not erasing the past. That’s not possible, and even if it were, I’d pass. 

I needed to see the worst version of myself to understand what the best version is. 

My brokenness is the only way I was going to find my wholeness. 

Fast forward to last weekend. 

I’m sitting here waiting for test scores, phone calls, answers, and doubt is overtaking the situation. 

I’m running the worst case scenarios. 

I’m questioning my purpose. 

That’s when I know it’s time for a hike. 

When I call it trail therapy, I’m really not kidding. It is impossible for me to get out into nature and not find SOMETHING I need to see, hear, feel, and yes sometimes smell (walking after storms is my favorite). It could be a butterfly landing on my shoe and that would be enough for me, but this hike, God showed up. Big time. 

I had found a new trail the day before and decided it would be the one I took next time out. I was 99% sure I knew where it went, but didn’t feel like I needed to verify that. I needed to just trust myself and go. 

The light was incredible just about an hour before sunset.

The soil was giving way more than usual since it was still wet from the rain. 

I breathed deep breaths of Tennessee air and started talking to God. 

I needed to know that I was still on the path. 

Then suddenly I heard a crash and was pretty sure I was no longer alone on the literal path. 

I whipped around and nothing. No people as I had anticipated. Just woods. I looked around, heart racing, and realized branches that had broken during the storm that morning were giving way and falling to the floor below. 

Lesson 1: The old, dead, broken bits need to fall away. Sometimes that process is startling. Don’t be afraid. It is natural and gives way to new growth. 

Silly Emily. I calmed myself down and resumed the hike.

I made my way past fields of Black-Eyed Susans and navigated all the rocks, tree roots, and hills before me. 

A family of 3 passed me with their 2 golden retrievers. I made my way up the trail and started to wonder if it actually connected where I thought it would. I stopped at one point and thought about turning around. At least I know my way back from here. 

Lesson 2: Doubt accomplishes nothing. Unless you’re doubting your ability to leap across the distance of a canyon. Then yes some doubt may be necessary. 

“Why do you keep doubting yourself?” A voice as clear as day and right as rain sounded in my head. “What harm is it going to cause you to keep going?”

God shows up when I need him to, when I hope he will, and when I least expect him to appear. He’s there. 

Why was I doubting myself? I know where the trail goes. It has to go where I think it does. 

I paused for a few minutes and thought about how many times I have stopped along my path and doubted where I was going, how I was going to get there, or how long it was going to take. 

How much time did I waste wondering about what was at the end of the path rather than staring at the beauty before me in the present? 

“It’s time. Once you reach the summit of the trail, you need to let the doubt go. Once and for all. No more doubt.” He wasn’t going to let me off easy this time. 

I said ok and kept going. 

A little while later, I reached the exact point I knew I would on the trail, because I was right all along. I cried. I took deep breaths and said, “Alright Lord, you’re right, here before you, I’m releasing the doubt once and for all.”

At that point, I looked down and a butterfly perched itself on a leaf on the ground before me. “With this butterfly as my witness, I will stop doubting myself and the plan you have for my life.” 

I’ve had a lot of powerful moments with God in my life y’all, but this one still gives me chills. 

Over the last week, I have had to actively remind myself that doubt is no longer a part of my being. And it has been hard. I feel like I’m going against my nature. I have had symptoms of withdrawal. Because that doubt ran deep. But each time I say no to it and have faith, my life changes. That day on the trail I had no clue what was going to happen with my career. Today, I’m a teacher waiting to start her first day of school and meet her very first group of students. 

A lot can change in a year. A lot can change in a week. But a lot can also change in an hour-long hike.  

I’ve wanted a happy ending for so long, but the kicker is, you have to actually believe in happy endings to have one. 

I was not made for doubt. None of us were. Doubt is born out of fear, and fear is not from God. 

I let doubt manifest itself as a character in my story and killing it off is one of the best things I have ever done. 

Go after that happy ending y’all. Don’t let doubt be part of the story. Let the pain of letting go of the things that have weighed you down be the fuel for the next chapter.

Lesson 3: Listen to God. Listen to the sounds of the trees moving in the wind. Listen to the birds and crickets. Listen to your heart when it clearly finds something meant for you. The listening is going to save your life.