The Least Amount of Space

What does showing up as Emily look like?

It’s a question I’ve been asked by my therapists, counselors, and coaches. What does it mean to be Emily? Who is she?

It’s a question all of us should probably answer at some point, because it’s why we’re here. It’s our purpose. To use our gifts, personalities, and uniqueness to show up as God intended for us to in this world.

So here’s a snapshot of my authentic self:

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I pray a lot. When I first open my eyes in the morning. After I get dressed. When I get in my car to go anywhere. As I’m driving somewhere because these people in my town don’t know what a turn signal is. Sometimes I pray out loud, sometimes I pray silently. My walks/hikes are pretty much just an ongoing conversation with God. Before meals. As I get ready for bed. You get it – I breathe, I pray.

God. Family. Friends. Community. I believe in freedom. I believe in taking care of the people around you. I believe in honesty, loyalty, and bravery.

I believe in soulmates and connecting so deeply with a person that you can feel his/her presence even when they are thousands of miles away.

My life has been all about second chances, so I’m willing to give anybody one. Doesn’t mean it will work out well, but God has given them to me, so the least I can do is give them to other people.

I have big plans for my life, which is why I’m hustling so hard now to get healthy, to find my purpose, and to find my people.

Healing is a gift from God. And it’s a lot of work. Show up every day and do it. Even when you don’t want to; it’s worth fighting for.

I like to drive with the windows down and the music up. I have made eye contact with the strangers next to me in traffic while singing Jelly Roll at the top of my lungs, and they LOVE it.

My playlists will have you dancing, singing Whitney Houston style, crying, laughing, and everything in between. I love Randy Travis. I love Hall & Oates. I love Lil Wayne. Prepare to be surprised.

I could spend all day in a bookstore and not get bored.

I have a heart for living things. Children. Dogs. Flowers. Butterflies. I literally just had a conversation with a butterfly at the park who decided to join me on my bench while I prayed.

Teaching myself to use a drill was one of my proudest moments. I may not be an expert, but I feel powerful when I use it. I feel accomplished. Anyone need a curtain rod hung?

I’m hilarious but only when I feel inspired to be. Chances are if I crack jokes around you, or at your expense, you are a special human being. And those jokes are out of love. Believe me, if you’re not my kind of people, we just wouldn’t even be in each other’s space.

I love talking and can talk to just about anyone. When I’m around someone truly striking though, I am so damn nervous that creating cohesive sentences usually takes a back seat to not falling over or drooling on myself like an idiot.

I sing to my dogs. Sometimes it’s just their name. Sometimes I write little songs about them. I sang to Oscar for large parts of the drive from Colorado to Tennessee because it kept him calm. I sing while I’m cleaning, crafting, and working. Seriously, just call me Marshall at this point because that is exactly how I am. If you haven’t watched How I Met Your Mother, then this reference will be lost on you. Also, I love How I Met Your Mother. And Buffy. And Lord of the Rings. And Cobra Kai. And Stranger Things. There will be a lot of references, so prepare yourself.

I’ve learned after years of partying, drinking, smoking, and abusing my body, that the things that are supposed to be “fun” while you’re young are actually the reason most people end up in therapy or in a doctor’s office. I have broken free from my addictions, by the grace of God, and have no interest in being around people who are in the midst of theirs. I was married to an alcoholic. I have had several close friends who were alcoholics. I had an alcoholic boss who treated people in the company differently depending on whether or not they hung around on Friday evenings to drink with him. I do not tolerate addiction in my life. I can pray for you, but that’s about it.

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This rant about showing up as me is because I spent so long minimizing myself. In most of my adult relationships, I have had to dial back the true Emily in order to make room for the other person. From doctors to my ex-husband, former friends to former co-workers. I had to shoulder burdens alone because other people just didn’t want to deal with them. If I voiced my opinion, I was too “vocal” and was told to just accept things the way they are. I couldn’t be goofy, because that was annoying. I couldn’t plan anything in the future, because I was surrounded by people not interested in growth. I wanted to get healthy and lose weight, but was told I shouldn’t set my expectations too high.

I could make an extreme sport out of walking on eggshells y’all.

I grew smaller and smaller, and my life became stagnant.

It’s no wonder I have a condition that impacts my ability to breathe. I spent so many years making myself as small as possible that it’s amazing my spirit even survived, let alone my lung capacity.

When I was in Chattanooga I visited the Sculpture Fields at Montague Park. Some pieces I understood and appreciated. Others were for a person far more abstract than myself. But this one, THIS ONE, has now changed my perspective on life.

Entitled The Least Amount of Space, this sculpture is something I can feel in my soul.

Uncomfortable, unnatural, unwanted.

That is what it looks like to not show up as your complete self. To shrink in the presence of energy that is not meant to exist in your atmosphere. To be less than you were created to be.

I have this picture printed out on my desk now as a reminder to never be afraid to take up space again. To spread my wings wide and breathe deeply. To stand tall and walk forward without fear.

I don’t have all the answers, believe me. I’m still figuring it all out. I’m still in a season of waiting. But the one thing I know is I would rather be waiting for something real, something I know God intended for me, rather than settling for less than I deserve. I’ve already done that and it was far more painful than the ache I feel now from practicing all this patience.

My person.

My family.

My purpose.

My healing.

It’s all about faith y’all and showing up as YOU. Remember the people who are meant to be in your life will love you and appreciate you no matter what season you are in, and the ones who don’t, need kicking to the curb. Life is truly too damn short for that nonsense.