The Yellow Door Life

I fell off the grid the last couple months, in a big way. 

In every quest for greatness, every hero, or heroine in my case, reaches a conflict. This conflict is the point at which they either fight through to reach the happy ending or they give up. 

I lingered in my conflict, far longer than I should have. I lingered in darkness. I’m still struggling, but I’m telling the darkness no, once and for all. 

Mental health has become something we are able to speak about more openly these days, but the first time I ever felt depressed was a different time and would have resulted in confusion and worry from those around me. It may have even been swept under the rug or dismissed completely.

I remember the day clearly. I was a sophomore in high school. I was wearing a black jacket with green and blue stripes. Nothing out of the ordinary happened on this day, so far as I can recall, but that day, I couldn’t bear to be me. I didn’t feel right in my skin. I felt out of place. I felt like I didn’t belong. 

I couldn’t shake the feeling.

I couldn’t just sit in class and pretend that everything was ok.

I went to the office and asked to call my Mom because I was sick and needed to go home. 

I needed to be anywhere but there, even though there wasn’t the problem, and home wouldn’t solve it. 

…

Many years have passed since that day, but the theme of not feeling like I belong has remained. 

Most days, don’t get me wrong, I have done just fine, but when several things go wrong in my life at once, that darkness creeps back in. 

The last few months? The darkness won. 

I dehydrated myself from crying.

I sat in my bathroom sobbing, questioning God and if I even have a purpose in this life anymore. 

I tossed and turned, dreaming of being rejected by employer after employer. 

I have wondered if I will be one of those people that dies alone and gets found a couple weeks later by the mailman or some other random person. 

I questioned whether me being here was making a difference. (As I literally wrote this sentence this song came up on my YouTube ads. I had never heard it before. If you don’t believe God sends us signs, pay attention y’all). 

The darkness is real, but darkness must have something to feed on. 

For me, negative energy, lack of confidence, needing validation from others, rejection, and destructive thoughts about my abilities have fueled the darkness. 

The difference I noticed this time, however, was how the food I was eating played a role in the onset of my depression, severe mood swings, the ugliest of ugly cries, etc. 

After being sick with a cold and bad Tennessee allergies (you don’t know, till you know), for the whole month of March, I woke up to April and decided to allow myself a cheat day for surviving the chaos. 

But that cheat turned into a month of going off of protocol and feeling like a real failure. 

I also stopped writing (as y’all can see). 

Now while I’m dealing with large amounts of uncertainty in my life right now, I was coping with it all pretty well. Until I reintroduced sugar, gluten, bad oils, you know the yuckies. 

I literally ate Chick-Fil-A (something I have eaten many times in my life, mind you) and thought I was going to die. My whole body began to ache as soon as I started eating it and I had a migraine all day after. 

It took me hitting this new kind of rock bottom for me to see that even though my path is as murky as swamp soup (Lord bless it, I’m a southerner now), that path was still better than sitting in a bathroom carrying on like a child. 

I’m not proud of how I have handled myself, but ultimately I had to remind myself how MANY things have changed in my life in the last 4 years.

I had to give myself some grace, and accept some from above. 

Every morning I still wake up and wonder if today will be the day where the next chapter starts, and while the planner in me hates the uncertainty, I accept it.

I look at the light streaming through my window, thank God for another day, and ask for more of that good grace to keep me going despite the fact that I am so lost right now. 

Darkness is real. It comes from a lot of places. All places that are not meant for us. 

If you feel that you are not worthy, or loved, or meant to be here, you have got to remember that sometimes you have to be the light to shine through that darkness. 

Even science agrees with how unique each human being is and that uniqueness is needed. 

If you feel like you can’t go on, change your job, friends, location, food, whatever is bringing you down, but don’t let go of you, and more importantly, don’t let go of God. 

Never give up my friends. There is more to come;