The Yellow Door Life

Dear Kelsea,

I say dear, because my dear, you and I, are kindred souls. 

I now believe it’s possible for different people to lead the same life, or at least a very similar version of it. 

My first divorced Valentine’s Day looked a bit different. 

It also happened to be the day you released “Rolling Up the Welcome Mat.” 

My best friend here in Tennessee sent it to me and asked if I had seen it yet. She too, is a kindred soul. 

Girl.

Let me tell you. Your writing on this just about did me in. 

I felt like I was finally listening to a musical version of my marriage and divorce. 

I felt like I had written the words myself.

I’ve always loved you Kelsea, and now I know it’s because you and I have the same vision of what our life should be, and we won’t settle for anything less. And we damn well shouldn’t.

I got married wanting to have some sort of life with someone who would validate me, make me feel worthy, and give me happiness. 

But I didn’t understand that was the last thing I needed. I needed to have a relationship with God. I needed to love myself. I needed to mourn the death of my Dad. But I chose to get married instead. I chose to carry weight that was not for me. And it hurt us both. 

***

“Mountain with a View”

I bought my own wedding band. He didn’t see the point in having wedding bands. So he was just going to use the ring I had given him as a promise ring. To me, the rings are an outward symbol to the world that you have committed your life in marriage to another person. And so I bought my own. 

During the ceremony, we reached the part where I was supposed to put his ring on. His ring didn’t fit anymore. It became a joke at the time, with our officiant cracking wise about it. Guess the joke was on me all along. Turns out marriage in general wasn’t a fit. 

Things have been tough financially since my job situation changed in December. I had been selling all sorts of things I didn’t need to bring in some extra money. I also needed some weight off my heart. My wedding band stopped being mine a long time ago, so I let it find itself a new home at a pawn shop in Franklin, TN.

“Just Married”

I remember running all over the place the week of my wedding trying to find car paint. I wanted to make sure I wrote “Just Married” on my car, since we would be using it for the honeymoon. While my bridesmaids got ready the morning of the wedding, I went out into the parking lot and wrote all over the car while I chatted with one of my best friend’s mom. 

We got so much attention driving to our honeymoon. People honked at us and congratulated us with excited waving and smiling through their windows. I wonder how many people thought we would end up divorced. I wonder how many newlyweds I have congratulated who are now sitting here listening to your album wondering what the hell happened?

There are still bits of that car paint on my windows. The car paint lasted longer than the marriage did. 

“Penthouse”

At first, I enjoyed the bubble of being a newlywed. No fights. Just being blissful and “in love.” Turns out when you marry someone for the wrong reasons, it’s all just a show. Playing a part. If you look back on my search history from the first few months, you will find inquiries for “divorce in Colorado.” I knew. My body could feel it. I had made a mistake. 

I tried to make a home for two people who were never meant to share a life. And the more I forced the jagged edges of two broken people together. The more we fought. The more we stopped saying I love you. The more I felt my wholeness slipping away. 

I knew when I referred to it as “my house,” it would never be our home. He would never be my home. 

“Interlude”

It wasn’t fate. You don’t have to force fate with an ultimatum. I should have known at that moment it wasn’t my fate to be with someone who wouldn’t pick me on his own.

“Blindsided”

I remember the one bit of advice his mom gave him at the wedding was that you should never go to bed angry. Super common thing to tell a newlywed. And it’s something I always thought was important with anyone in life. Life is too short. As someone who had just lost a parent, I knew all too well. 

Most nights, he was asleep before I ever even got to our bedroom. He rarely said I love you when we did end up getting into bed at the same time. And the nights we fought? Forget about it.

It really isn’t that hard to tell someone you love them and forgive them. That’s kind of the point of marriage. I never thought I’d have to explain that. 

“Leave Me Again”

One week before I left for Tennessee I found out he was dating. We weren’t even divorced yet. And when I say that’s fine. I mean it. I didn’t expect anything different. I knew I would be the one to be alone, at least for now. I knew there was work to be done. 

I had to heal.

I had to restore my relationship with God.

I had to learn to love myself. 

I had to mourn the loss of my Dad. 

I’m still doing all of those things and I’m still alone. And when I say that’s fine. I mean it. 

As much as I’m ready to know and love my person, I have to be me again first. 

The whole, beautifully messy Emily, that I promise, I will never leave again.  

***

I just want to say thank you Kelsea. I needed your words, just as much as you needed to say them. 

A kindred soul,

The Girl Behind the Yellow Door ❤